So, I’m having troubling writing, because I need to stay true to my mission of transparency, which is so much easier said than done. I keep sitting down and drafting the beginnings of posts that are admittedly not transparent – just chatter about legit (or random) topics. And there is a place for that, but that’s not what I need to be doing right now. And so, no surprise, I haven’t been able to finish a ONE of them, because some small and annoying version of myself on my shoulder will interrupt me to remind me, “You know that’s not what you need to write.”
Hemingway said, “All you have to do is write one true sentence. Just write the truest sentence that you know.” I find that to be a mouthful, Ernest. For starters, there’s a significant gap – for me, anyway – between “one true sentence” and “the truest sentence (I) know.” For example: one true sentence may be, “There was fog this morning.” The truest sentence I know, on the other hand, a.) doesn’t have anything to do with the weather, and b.) is almost impossible to write, whereas the fog one took no effort other than the actual typing.
(I’m still procrastinating. This is the blogger version of kids asking for a glass of water after they’ve been tucked in to bed. #busted)
The truest sentence I know right now, Tuesday, May 29th, is that I am afraid to write that sentence. Afraid. Does it count as transparent if I write around it?
Someone significant in my life made me feel worthless, all of my childhood and well into adulthood. They abused their power and influence over me, and taught me to stay small. Not resist. Bury truth. Couple that with some ill-informed religious dogma, both from said individual and some well-meaning Christians who followed, I’ve been at war with the truth all my life because of the notion that it’s either unkind, unloving, BAD, or downright mean to tell the truth if the truth isn’t a glowing, color brochure, best-version-of-person-or-story report. But, in the words of a pastor I highly respect and deeply trust: “How is it mean to tell the truth?” Yeah yeah, discretion is the better part of valor and all that yap. Sure. But discretion is about knowing when, where, how and to whom to tell the whole truth – it’s not about living a lie. Freedom is tied to TRUTH. Who doesn’t want to be truly FREE?!
The truest sentence I know right now is that there is written evidence that, once upon a time, I was a strong person with an intact “Fight” response. Truly all my adult (and teen) life, I’ve wondered why other people got a Fight response when I only got Flight/Freeze. What was (is) wrong with me? But I, too, had Fight. Someone just overrode it early on and reinforced it enough that I “forgot” it was there. I shut it down.
It is there, though. I was born – created – with strength. Fearlessness. Moxie. It really was there at some point. This means it can be there again. Is here now.
As happens, yesterday I had a strong realization and felt some tectonic shifts, so today I woke up afraid. That is the way of it, at least for me. Healing is not linear – not in my experience, anyway. So, today, I will wrestle with old wiring that tells me to go underground because I have, even if just in my own mind, stood up to lies. But this time, I will fight for it and stand my ground, because …. well …… “NOBODY PUTS BABY IN A CORNER”! (Dirty Dancing)
“Stand your ground, putting on the belt of TRUTH….” Ephesians 6:14 (emphasis mine)